I'll start by saying that I think this is better than the vast majority of poetry that's to be found on the Internet, including deviant art. considering that English is not your first language, it's pretty fantastic. I don't think it's perfect, however.

Vision: I think the emotions portrayed are powerful, and it seems that you had a really strong idea in your head when you wrote this. The images demonstrate vision.

Originality: Thankfully, you haven't used too many cliches. They seem to crop up so often in amateur poetry that it's ridiculous. I wouldn't say that your poem is entirely original either. I'm most struck by the images of light and dark in this piece. This creates powerful contrast, and yet it is far from original. Most of the poem's meaning hangs on ancient and well-used metaphors: light = good, enlightening, holy and dark = bad, blindness, the unknown. What's more, your rhyme scheme is (actually very well executed), but hardly original - one of the stock rhyme schemes of those beginning to write poetry. But I suppose I'm biased - I write in free verse! You've done this rhyme scheme well - why don't you try some more adventurous structures? A sonnet? A villanelle? This might be a good challenge.

Technique: Your technique is impressive considering that this is your first English poem. However. I wish you hadn't used "thou" and "thy". In your last line, "thou are" should have been "thou art". This proves that it is hard to use these words - they are best avoided! As an addition to this point, I think "thou" and "thy" hardly ever sound natural in modern poetry, because they clash with the modern vocabulary and informal tones that the poetry uses elsewhere. Also, using "thou" and "thy" is often a misguided attempt to try and make their poetry sound more... poetry-like. However, rather than evoking ancient sentiments, this usually just leads to cliche and mistakes. I will say, however, that your use of the words is in part justified by your religious theme, and is much less traumatic for the reader because you use other pieces of old and/or religious vocabulary (eg, redemptive, enlighten). I still think that you'd find it more natural and produce a better tone if next time you stuck to modern vocab.
Your rhyme scheme is, as mentioned, well executed and the rhythm is quite good I think.
Your message is less clear, I think, in the line "thou enlighten for me oh to embrace" - perhaps this could be solved with punctuation...?
Sometimes, your images are contradictory. For example in "Shreds of light stroking my mind" - here "shreds" has connotations of violence and damage - it is making the reader think of the verb "to shred". The word "stroking" however, has soft and delicate connotations.

Impact: Good. The strong vision comes across, and your words carry the images rather well. For me the impact was dampened by the factors that I've mentioned under "technique". Either way, your poem seems to be popular with those commenting and faving - which proves that it speaks to people!

Overall, well done.

Your analogies and imagery are phenomenal. I really enjoyed this piece, your style of writing is so close to mine. Your fist stanza went straight to the heart how it seemed as if you need help. Once your second stanza came, salvation took the place of darkness, maybe ignorance. You placed very subtle hints of your meaning towards your religion but at the same time you wrote it so different interpretations of others can be possible. There really isn't a specific or "correct" technique for poetry, just as long as you portray your emotions and message across, which you did perfectly. You really did a wonderful job and I have no criticism for you. I'd like to see more of your work (: