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Submitted on
October 24, 2012
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Blackest matter pervading my head,
seizing my limbs as I'm facing the dark,
thoughts unwanted, unheard and unsaid,
discarding thy redemptive salvaging spark.  

Shreds of light stroking my mind,
creating a glance into heavenly place,
my childish self, so naive and blind,
thou enlighten for me oh to embrace.

It's the infinite dance, the unending fight,
a game to be lost by the vines of time,
one leads to sorrow, the other to light,
thou are the only to toll the ransoming chime.
 
Well, this is my first attempt in doing poetry in English.. ^^ I hope everything is clear and understandable. :) I had to use my dictionary for half of the words, but it was much fun and I am really happy with the result. :D There are many ways to interprete this little poem, let your own imagination interprete it as you want. I dont like writing too much about the meaning, because everyone may find a different meaning.

This is a very spiritual poem, as I am religious and it kinda shows my connection to God.

Hope you like it! :heart:

Favs, comments and critiques are hiighly appreciated, please write me what you think about my first English poem! ^^
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:iconmaster-liafi:
Reading this, I felt like it was a song. There was a drum beating in the background, lightly, like the beat of a heart, and I could hear those chimes; I really could!

The first stanza struck out immediately. It was like being in a dream where everything was falling through a black crevasse and facing oblivion. The phrase "as I'm facing the dark," is beautiful in the sheer simplicity of it, and I found my own unheard thoughts falling away with this narrator's.

The second stanza was like the sun peeking through the clouds on a long, rainy, cold day. The religious touch to it did not deter from the piece, it really added to it. Some might whine about it being subliminal or what have you, but it is so subtle and delicately placed that it seems like the frosting on a marvelous cupcake.

Finally, there was the third stanza. It is easily my favorite, as it was intense and flowed so marvelously. That third stanza felt like the reprise or chorus of a song, and with those "ransoming chimes" ringing, it felt like a perfect ending to a marvelous piece.

You say it is your first attempt at English poetry, and yet, it seems so well written, so thought out, that it is clear that you truly care about what it is you are writing. I say kudos to you, and cannot fathom where your skill will take you.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
9 out of 9 deviants thought this was fair.

:icontheladyphantom:
This was a really amazing piece of writing. Your descriptive language, along with your prose, was very beautiful and full of life. Your imagery was very well done here, as I could almost see a sort of dance taking place between those beams of light and darkness. This was very true to a lot of emotional standpoints on faith, and I think that it speaks to a part of anyone who is religious and has ever had that moment of wondering if what they believe isn't real, and the fear that follows. I just think that this was very touching, and spoke to a very deep place that a lot of people face in their lifetime.
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11 out of 11 deviants thought this was fair.

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:icontwilightyaoifangirl:
twilightyaoifangirl Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2013  Student
I think I am going to cry... that was utterly the most beautiful poem, and I'm a Shakespeare buff...
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:icondomosushiluver:
DomoSushiLuver Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
wow that was really amazing i love it so much
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:iconantoniskoundourakis:
AntonisKoundourakis Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012  Professional Artist
My friend this poem is very touching. I know what you mean. You have to trust your faith and more doors will open to you. Doors of perception and more people will show up to cover for your ambivalences. Like John Lennon sang not too long a time ago with the Beatles: "There's nothing you can know that isn't known, nothing you can see that isn't shown, nowhere you can be that isn't where you're ment to be, it's easy: all you need is love."
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:iconfluffyboy66:
Fluffyboy66 Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I love it. :)
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:iconkuroyukidragon95ii:
KuroyukiDragon95II Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
if you read the first and third lines of each stanza, you get another awesome point of view...totally just wanting to say that! But it was fantastic!! :D
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:iconsociallyakward413:
sociallyakward413 Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconclapplz: Beautiful. Just beautiful.
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:iconotaku3333:
Otaku3333 Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2012  Student Writer
I love this! :D

It is wonderully structured.
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:iconlivinginmythoughts:
LivingInMyThoughts Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2012
This is incredible. The poem conveys a nice, clear picture of what I assume is the ideal image and its not super confusing or complex. Very nice. :)
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:iconkailani-e:
Kailani-e Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Amazing! :D
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:iconzumea:
Zumea Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
reminds me of Thorauo, i don't think i spelled his name right, he was known for his essays but his poems are nice, and you have to use a dictionary to read them sometimes:)
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